I’ve pondered the differences in grief styles for some time now. Starting with the premise that men and women grieve differently, then acknowledging that many men and women grieve in ways that fit those masculine or feminine patterns… but some don’t.

That led to an understanding that there is a spectrum of grief styles from Instrumental (typically masculine) to Intuitive (typically feminine). In that model: no grief style is better than another; grief survivors fall all along that spectrum; those who share our losses may have very different styles, while grieving just as deeply; and that our grief styles can change over the course of our journey.

As I prepare for our Men’s Retreat at the end of April, I find myself reconsidering that original position. Do most men grieve differently from most women?

The Men’s Retreat is a project of our Journey Onward Men’s Group. Most of us have been together for a long time, some through more than half a dozen previous Men’s Groups. We have gotten to know one another at our lowest. We lift each other up. Most of us have no other connections in our life that allow us to freely express our sadness, anger, or regret (or to actually cry). But, with a few exceptions, we only know each other remotely, through a Zoom image. The retreat aims to correct that and perhaps better understand why we grieve differently.

Many men (and women, to be fair) shed the friendships of youth as we age. We get caught up in careers, family, and social obligations.Those guys you thought would be buds for life show up less and less often. We build up our armor against life’s challenges without realizing how effectively they work as a barrier to connection. As a husband, a dad, or a business person we believe we can’t show weakness, we must stand alone and strong.

And then life throws us a tragic curveball, a loss that we can’t handle alone.

I think our Men’s Groups work so well because we fill a need beyond grief support. We build connections and a safe space to explore who and where we are in the wake of our losses. I believe these will be lasting friendships.

I’m so excited to see where the Men’s Retreat takes us. We’ll be staying in cabins on beautiful Oak Creek, north of Sedona, from April 26-28. We’ll be making and breaking bread together, telling our stories, and exploring our next steps through the wilderness.

We have a few open slots for this retreat. We welcome men grieving the loss of a loved one to substance abuse or suicide. Come sit by the fire with us. Please contact Greg ([email protected]) or Madi ([email protected]) for more information.

Maybe we can figure out this whole men-women grief spectrum thing.