August 30th is National Grief Awareness Day. This day focuses on awareness of grief, which can be a complex and unpredictable experience that affects people differently.  Likewise, there are different ideas about how we each move through our grief, about how we mourn our losses, and how we stay healthy and whole despite losing someone dear to us. And many different cultures and practices help millions of people authentically mourn.

I thought I would share a bit about my background and my thoughts about how we, in Western culture, view and respond to losses in our lives.  You might guess from the name “Gouveia” that I am Portuguese, our name coming from a city in Portugal called “Gouveia.” My mother’s name is Carmela Julia Ferrucci, obviously Italian. Both of my parents emigrated from their respective countries. Over the years, I have reflected on the many losses I have had in my life, and since losing my youngest son, I have become a curious observer of the various ways in which different cultures grieve.

One of my earliest loss experiences was the loss of my “Grampy Gouveia.”  I remember how our family cared for him during his last days and how everyone played a part. My mom thought it was vital that family be near, a value we still hold true today.  I remember how the small community in Milford, Massachusetts, came together to support the family and how people supported us with food and friendly companionship. But the most important observation I made was how people honored grieving people.

Before Grampy died, during a visit to his neighborhood, I noticed a woman in a rocking chair sitting on her porch. Not too unusual, but she was wearing all black. I asked why she wore black, and I learned that she was making it known to the community that she was grieving the loss of someone important to her. In her custom, they wore black for a period of up to one year. This custom let the community know their heart was broken so that people could be gentle with them.

Some say this practice of wearing “mourning” clothes started in the days of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, a dark-colored toga called a toga pulla, was worn by the lower classes during times of mourning. It was also worn by mourners at elite funerals and was considered inappropriate to wear on other occasions.

These days, the period of mourning seems rushed. We are encouraged to get over our loss and get back to “normal” as soon as possible. However, engaging in rituals is an appropriate part of our mourning process.

In Christianity, we often hold a service at a church or cemetery that includes prayers, a sermon, readings, hymns, and sometimes music or poems. A burial often follows this service.

In Islam, an Imam leads the service, which includes funeral prayers, Quran readings, and a silent procession to the burial site. The funeral is usually held outside the mosque in a courtyard, prayer room, or community square, where attendees face Mecca, the holy center of Islam.

For Hindus, a service consists of three parts: a wake or funeral in the family’s home, a cremation ceremony (MukhAgni), and a Shraddha, or ceremony to help the soul of the deceased enter the next world.

For Buddhists, a monk leads a ceremony that includes sermons, eulogies, chants, meditations, and sutras (Buddhist funeral prayers). Often, family members wear white cloth or a headband or armband. Guests may wear dark clothing. An alter is typically present to pay homage to the person who passed. Mourners may walk with sticks to symbolize the need for support due to grief.

In the Jewish faith, a mourning period known as Shiva begins immediately after the funeral. During this time, mourners may tear their garments or wear a black ribbon. A second mourning period, called “shloshim,” lasts 30 days after the funeral. During this period, mourners may return to their routines but will still recite prayers and hymns. For many families, the mourning period can last up to a year.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, the founder of the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, CO, often discusses the importance of having ceremonies to express our feelings about the person we love. The ceremonies themselves allow us to say goodbye. The truth is that funerals may be about the person who died, but they are really for the living. They help us move toward grieving and authentic mourning.

Grief is universal. Given August 30 is a special day to raise awareness of grief, let’s all learn a bit about each other and how we choose to express ourselves as mourners. A critical tenet in my journeys of loss is that I have learned that we are never alone in our grief.  Regardless of our beliefs, customs, or family relationships, this is a day where we can all express our grief our way… a day of self-care, a support group, creating a new memorial, sharing your experience through art or writing, and being present for others.