Often when we lose someone we love we are encouraged to move quickly through our grief, to try to fix our pain, to try to avoid our deepest sorrows, and to “move on.”  Approaching our pain in these ways dishonors the love we share with our loved ones. While our Western culture embraces a success-oriented approach to grieving – as though we can really detach ourselves from our pain – we cannot heal unless we allow ourselves to enter our pain, embrace it, and live fully in what is next to come.

Mirabair Starr says “Grief is not a problem to be solved or a malady to be cured. It’s a sacred reality to be entered.”

Some would say that grief is a spiritual journey, and that it paves the way for outer change.  It can lead us toward hope, reconciliation, and integration of our loss. Unless we embrace our pain, we cannot fully understand what has taken place in our lives, especially when we lose someone dear to us by suicide or substance.

Grief affects us in so many ways – our whole person. It affects us spiritually, socially, physically, cognitively, and emotionally. We are human.  We experience complex so many complex emotions – despair, sorrow and sadness, happiness and joy – and all of these emotions co-exist within us.

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Founder for the Center for Loss and Life Transition in Ft. Collins, CO talks often about “honoring” our pain. Yes, it does seem crazy that we would want to move toward it and not away from it, and we may protest that idea. But honoring our pain, gently encountering our pain, allows us to move toward healing. I often say that “each step of our journey toward healing informs the next.”  That means, we learn along the way – we gather knowledge and wisdom, we open our hearts as we move toward a new way of living.

While grief can stop us in our tracks it also grounds us because what was once familiar to us is lost. We are forced to rebuild our lives, and this is challenging, but it can also be rewarding. We honor the relationship we have with our loved one because the memories, the love, and the bond are still very present in our lives. For many, these bonds grow stronger. The death of our loved one gives us the time to redefine our relationship with them.

I found this quote from Kerry Tobin, M.A., an assistant professor at Cuyahoga Community College in Philosophy.  She says this:  “To grieve is an act of love for those that died and for us. Grief is the last gift we give to the departed but the grace we gain is the lifelong reward they continually give to us.”