“Metaphors have a way of holding the most truth in the least space” – Orson Scott Card   We use the metaphor of a ‘journey’ for the struggle to survive the wilderness of grief often, and for good reasons:   The most interesting journeys in life take us somewhere we have never been – they embody change.  In losing a loved one, we have massive change thrust upon us.  We are transformed.  The griever has no idea where their grief will take them    . . . or if they can even make the journey. Many journeys are hard work – sometimes frustrating, leaving us feeling like we’re not making real headway.  We seem to be going back over the same ground . . . are we traveling in circles?  Or is it...

Many individuals bereaved by suicide experience a profound and life-changing disruption in almost all aspects of life. Why is suicide different? Often times, it is sudden, unexpected, violent and traumatic. It involves many layers of stigmatized emotions. Offering a compassionate and open way of listening to loss survivors is immensely helpful. What is compassionate listening? Setting aside your own psychological or emotional needs  Shifting the point of focus away from self and onto the other Understanding and empathy with the goal to reduce pain and suffering Setting the conscious intention to listen without judgement or personal bias To learn more about compassionate listening...

“There is no sense in punishing your future for the mistakes of your past. Forgive yourself, grow from it, and then let it go.” -- Melanie Koulouris When we lose someone we love, we often see ourselves as failures for our inability to keep our loved ones alive. My son Eric died over six years ago. I spent many days wondering what I could have done differently. The endless questions that continue to haunt us. . . Why didn’t I see the signs? Why didn’t I get there sooner? Would he be alive if I didn’t work? What if I changed doctors? Endless thoughts spinning around in my head like little tops. At times, these thoughts have taken control. They seem infinite and each time I...

What Happens Now? Dealing with aftermath of a traumatic loss is a complex process, not a one-time event. One in every six Americans are impacted by loss due to suicide, either directly or indirectly. Inevitably, every human being deals with a traumatic loss in one way or another. Grief from suicide loss is life-changing and earth-shattering, and requires an examination of your past, present, and lost future relationship with your loved one. Society today stigmatizes not only the loss but the very fact that we grieve. Rather than just learning to cope with the loss, it is important that we look at ways to grow from the loss, i.e., post-traumatic growth. Clinically, there...

Journaling the Journey Writing when facing a deeply painful and emotional loss journaling is one of the best ways to sort through the complex mix of confusing emotions. There are no rules to keeping a journal, but here are some options to consider when making the decision if keeping journal would be helpful to you. Only 15 minutes a day, 4 days a week will help release some of the endlessly confusing and conflicting emotions. Pick a writing medium that works for you — both pen and paper — or a computer or tablet. You should feel comfortable and compelled to write at least 4 times per week. There are also on-line journals where, if you wish to share, you are able to share...

Mindfulness We hear a lot these days about mindfulness. Mindfulness is a form of meditation. Mindfulness is a process of bringing your attention to your internal experiences in the present moment, being fully present and aware of what you are doing — not about what is happening around you. The term “mindfulness” is a translation of the term “sati” — meaning awareness or mindfulness — which is a significant element of some Buddhist traditions. It is widely accepted that regular practice of mindfulness contributes to greater well-being. After a traumatic loss, we want to stay close to our grief. We want to be in the thick of it, consumed by it. It is necessary to allow...

Meditation People have practiced meditation for thousands of years as a path to ultimate consciousness, to develop the ability to concentrate, to understand the mind, and regulate thoughts, feelings, and emotions. There are a multitude of practices and techniques to reach a heightened level of consciousness. True meditation is a means of putting yourself into a state of profound deep peace to achieve inner transformation and a higher state of awareness. When meditating while grieving the loss of your loved one, it is important to allow yourself to feel the pain rather than try to avoid them or pretend that you do not feel them. There are many free grief meditations in the...

Affirmations and Mantras One highly effective way of taking care of yourself during your grief journey is to find ways of grieving that make you feel better. Sounds simple! In fact, positive words and thoughts can and will help you. Find words that empower you to feel your pain, that motivate you to feel better, and over time you pain can be eased at least a little bit. In short, words are powerful tools to help transform your grief into something positive. There are many biblical references that can be used as affirmations. One that I used during the worst part of my journey was one that I received during a Catholic mass — “All you holy men and women pray for us”. For...

Social Support It is not uncommon for those who have experienced traumatic loss to seek engagement with other people who have experienced similar losses. Support groups are a good place to start, but they are not for everyone. I went to a suicide support group hosted by Survivors of Suicide (S.O.S., www.survivorsofsuicide.com) and it was extremely helpful. It allowed me to share, vent, cry, and lament in a very safe setting. Others look for support from their social outlets such as family, friends, and church groups. Since we all respond to loss differently, surrounding yourself with the right people is important because not everyone is comfortable with talking about your...

Tattoos When you lose someone you love, often we have the desire to create a permanent memory by getting a tattoo. It symbolizes the unbreakable bond that is inked into your skin as a permanent memorial. One good resource is Susan Salluce (www.susansalluce.com), a grief specialist and author of “Grief Ink”. Susan says that tattoos become the foundation for one’s loss narrative. In addition, the tattoo gives us the invitation to continue talking about our loved one, the meaning that he or she had in our life, and how this individual continues to impact us. If you are looking for ideas on tattoos that capture the essence of your loved one, Pinterest (www.pinterest.com) has...

Music and Playlists People who have experienced a significant loss often find it hard to express their emotions. Research shows that music can significantly reduce grief symptoms, and it can aid in helping to remember your loved one. Music can sometimes convey the complexity of our feelings better than words. Creating a playlist that can help you through your grief is very useful. You can also create a playlist that captures the essence of your loved one by including songs by your loved one’s favorite artists or that remind you of your loved one. There are many resources out there that have playlists available for almost any type of loss. Spotify has some lists put...