For many of us, the holidays embody the past, present and future. In grief, we are drawn into the past – family connections, shared meals, and, I hope, the joys of the season. Times with our departed loved ones – when we were younger, less shaped by the world, closer to our divine spark selves. Even if we have to go all the way back to early childhood to get to that kind of purity, our stories of the holidays may be the richest, funniest, most heart-filled remembrances of our loved ones. There’s nothing at all wrong with remembering past holidays, we must say hello on the way to goodbye. As loss survivors, we also talk about our grief journeys a lot, trying to figure out what healing,...

The holidays are tough for those of us who are grieving the loss of someone dear to us. We learn from our clients at EricsHouse that each person experiences loss in their own unique way. While over time, we learn to integrate our loss in authentic and healthy ways, we also understand that our grief remains an integral part of our life experiences. Over time, as we begin to heal, we also know that grief is wildly different during the holiday season. This season can be very challenging when the last thing we feel like doing is celebrating a new season. Our holiday support group suggests considering your “Plan A” and “Plan B.” This includes reflecting upon your holiday values. Think about...

“Today… I open my heart’s hand to allow… the touch of hope.” — Julia Cameron Someone you love has died.  In your heart you have come to know your deepest pain. Your grief has brought challenges that seem beyond your own capacity to survive. Grief creates chaos, and your soul cries out.  You naturally experience a sense of helplessness and, at times, you feel the depths of hopelessness. It all feels so incredibly overwhelming.  And as you live in this painful place, you come to learn that you must surrender to your grief, sit in your wound, and make space for your lost self. If your experience is in any way like my own and those of the thousands of mourners I have had the honor to walk with...

We just got back from a cruise/land tour in Alaska. It was incredible. Marianne and I took our middle son, Joey (many of you have met Joey – for those who haven’t, Joey is a really special guy, and we are blessed to have him live with us). Joey’s best friend, Timmy, and his family were with us on the cruise which made it even more wonderful. Alaska is overwhelming. The glaciers and endless mountains, the whales and bald eagles, and the vast expanses of nature’s beauty are mostly free of human influence.  Grandeur is everywhere. It is truly humbling. But I was also struck by smaller things on this trip – especially watching Joey and Timmy connect with so many people. Joey is really social –...

I usually go to mass on Sunday mornings at one of my favorite churches. This Sunday, however, I was stuck at home with COVID. My family (Greg, Jojo, and I) just returned from the most fantastic vacation we’ve ever had—a cruise to the last untouched frontier, Alaska. We all returned with varying degrees of COVID. I wanted to write about fentanyl today. I have been tracking the statistics over the years, but an email came through my phone this morning that surprised me. More than 81,000 people have died in 2023 due to synthetic opioid overdose.  Almost 75,000 of those were due to illicit fentanyl. I learned that Alaska has had a 46% increase in fentanyl deaths between March 2023 and March...

August 30th is National Grief Awareness Day. This day focuses on awareness of grief, which can be a complex and unpredictable experience that affects people differently.  Likewise, there are different ideas about how we each move through our grief, about how we mourn our losses, and how we stay healthy and whole despite losing someone dear to us. And many different cultures and practices help millions of people authentically mourn. I thought I would share a bit about my background and my thoughts about how we, in Western culture, view and respond to losses in our lives.  You might guess from the name “Gouveia” that I am Portuguese, our name coming from a city in Portugal called “Gouveia.”...

What does it mean to survive the loss of someone to suicide or substance? It’s got to be more than continued breathing… more than just not dying ourselves. At EricsHouse, we believe that the grief journey is not something that should or, even, can be done alone. It requires community. That’s really what’s at the heart of EricsHouse – building connections and community to enable mutual healing. We start with our individual support and build on it in our groups. And we survive together and learn what survival means for each of us along the way. There’s no set process for this, we each embark on a personal journey of exploration and discovery. Early on, it’s all we can do to encounter our...

From earliest childhood we learn to avoid pain.  As we grow, we engage in the natural instinct to block pain and suffering – especially in the West, where we learn to seek rational structures for our emotions and control them. But grief after traumatic loss can’t be avoided, nor is it rational. We have no idea what to do with our pain, or even how to hurt. If we look to the wisdom traditions of the East, we see that grief isn’t something to run from – it is the uncharted territory we need to explore.  As Alan Wolfelt has taught us, “grief lives in liminal space.” Liminal space is betwixt and between.  Grief takes us there, sadness lives there. Grief has something important to teach us...

Often when we lose someone we love we are encouraged to move quickly through our grief, to try to fix our pain, to try to avoid our deepest sorrows, and to “move on.”  Approaching our pain in these ways dishonors the love we share with our loved ones. While our Western culture embraces a success-oriented approach to grieving – as though we can really detach ourselves from our pain – we cannot heal unless we allow ourselves to enter our pain, embrace it, and live fully in what is next to come. Mirabair Starr says “Grief is not a problem to be solved or a malady to be cured. It’s a sacred reality to be entered.” Some would say that grief is a spiritual journey, and that it paves the way for...

Our “The Journey Onward” Men’s Group just finished our weekend retreat in Sedona. It was powerful, moving, and exhausting. We had decided as a group to make our focus self-forgiveness. That’s a pretty tall order for a weekend, but, as I’ve observed, a pretty common challenge for survivors of loss to substance abuse or suicide. We put so much responsibility on ourselves. It can be brutal and relentless. I knew I had a lot to learn, so I read, I meditated on it, and then I decided to tackle it one step at a time. First, I had to understand the relationship between shame and guilt.  They’re not the same, but they can be intertwined. Shame is about who we are – how we are inadequate, unkind,...

Losing a loved one is heartbreaking. Grieving is tiring, hard work with no linear process or guidelines to follow. While you may take time off to mourn, you will likely have to return to work eventually. This can prove challenging for various reasons, from having trouble focusing to dealing with questions from coworkers. Read on as EricsHouse shares some tips to help you prepare for the return to work after the loss of a loved one. Plan an Answer for Questions at Work Your colleagues will likely be aware of the loss you've experienced since you probably took some time off work for a funeral or other practicalities. They may be curious and have questions. You are not required to answer any...

Throughout my journey of grief, I continue to explore parts of myself, my identity, my beliefs, my values, and my priorities. Loss lays out entirely new ways of thinking about the mysteries of life and death. We are irrevocably changed and faced with restoring balance as we learn to integrate loss into our lives. Part of my self-discovery has been diving deep into who I am, how I want to spend my time, and examining my priorities, beliefs, and thoughts about living a life full of joy and happiness. Full of love.   This February marked 8 years without Eric. I will always miss his infectious belly laugh, kind soul, adventurous spirit, and loyal & fun nature. As each moment, day,...

Grieving is a deeply personal and complex process, one that can feel overwhelming and isolating. However, incorporating mindfulness practices into your daily routine can provide a path toward healing and acceptance. These practices can help you connect with your present experiences, allowing for a gentle processing of your emotions and fostering a sense of peace amidst the turmoil of loss. In this article, courtesy of EricsHouse, we’ll go over a few ways you can utilize mindfulness to feel better. Embrace the Harmony of Movement and Breath When you engage in yoga, you partake in a journey that unites your body and mind, offering a sanctuary of tranquility and strength. Each posture and...

The start of Spring brings warmer days and beauty blooming all around. During this season I am reminded of the idea of transformation. Out of the dark days of Winter comes emerging sun and new energy. Spring symbolizes renewal, rebirth, and fresh beginnings. Losing a precious loved one naturally causes many changes in one’s identity, family dynamics, and priorities. Through this journey you will likely meet deeper vulnerabilities, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Grief often involves going into the darkest depths of one's being. The journey does not have orderly seasons, paths, or timelines to follow. I continually observe how those who know grief are some of the most compassionate,...

I’ve pondered the differences in grief styles for some time now. Starting with the premise that men and women grieve differently, then acknowledging that many men and women grieve in ways that fit those masculine or feminine patterns… but some don’t. That led to an understanding that there is a spectrum of grief styles from Instrumental (typically masculine) to Intuitive (typically feminine). In that model: no grief style is better than another; grief survivors fall all along that spectrum; those who share our losses may have very different styles, while grieving just as deeply; and that our grief styles can change over the course of our journey. As I prepare for our Men’s Retreat at the...

Love and grief are sacred parts of the human experience. The closeness we share with those we love creates unbreakable bonds. The dynamics of love go far beyond and deeper than words can express. Losing someone you love is heartbreaking. The many experiences and expressions of grief are also hard to sum together in words or intellectualize.  Love and grief are tightly intertwined. All of the love you have for and shared with your person continues to be held in your heart. Dr. Alan Wolfelt says: “You grieve the person’s absence and need to express your feelings of grief. You must mourn. You must commune with your grief and take it into your heart, embracing your many thoughts and feelings....

What exactly is self-care and why is it so important to our mourning process? Self-care is what you do to take care of yourself – mentally, physically, and spiritually. Just as life circumstances change the way we live our lives, so do the means of taking care of ourselves. That means, there is no “one size fits all.” During grief, we are already working hard to keep our heads above water, and we find that the things that used to work, perhaps don’t work for us anymore. During intense grief, we have special needs, and it is so important not to ignore them. Research shows that there are many strategies you can adopt to help you no matter where you are in your journey. Staying Connected ...

I don’t usually do New Year’s resolutions, I haven’t for a long time.  It just seems weird to save up whatever change you desire in your life for a particular date on the calendar.   Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of stuff to work on.  My grief has made me very aware of my ‘opportunities for improvement’ and added some big ones to the list. We are changed by our losses.  Irrevocably. We don’t have a choice in whether we are changed, but we do get to choose how we change.   Alan Wolfelt encourages us to appreciate our transformations.  I struggled with that for a long time.  I didn’t feel transformed. I’ve come to believe I had the scale of transformation wrong.  I was looking for...

The task of cleaning out a deceased loved one’s home is not just a practical challenge but an emotional journey. It involves balancing the preservation of memories with the realities of managing their belongings. This process can be overwhelming, yet it's an important step in honoring their legacy and moving forward. In this article, you'll find guidance on how to approach this sensitive task, ensuring you honor your loved one’s memory while making the process manageable. Be Sensitive When Sorting Deciding what to keep, give away, or discard from your loved one's possessions is a delicate task. It's crucial to approach this process with sensitivity and respect for their memory. Consider...

Losing someone you love creates immense pain and it is difficult to work through our deep feelings of grief.  When you lose a sibling, you face an especially challenging journey of healing.  Regardless of where you are in the birth order – younger or older -- your experience and relationship with your sibling is unique to you.  And when they leave us too soon, we grieve.  But we are often left to grieve alone.   Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a respected author and educator on the topic of healing in grief – explains the difference between grieving and mourning .  . .  “To grieve is to experience thoughts and feelings of loss inside you. If you loved your sibling, you will grieve. To mourn is to...

I think it’s worth taking a step back in our grief journeys as we encounter the holidays.  We need to put them in perspective. So much of the original intent behind holiday celebrations seems to get lost in our high-speed lives. The holidays get commercialized and distorted to other ends. It’s easy to lose sight of the essence. I suspect that one of the things that makes the holidays difficult for many grievers is the awareness of the triviality of much of what we currently force into our celebrations of them. In profound grief, we come to question long held beliefs and traditions – especially those relating to our spiritual lives. Suffering traumatic loss often leads us to confront and...

When we talk about learning to embrace the pain of our losses, I often fall back on the coin metaphor. Love and the pain of loss are two sides of the same coin.  Those things which open us most to the pains of grief are rooted most deeply in love.  The objects which link us most powerfully to our loved ones are also most able to provoke the depths of our personal wilderness. Of course both sides of a coin are exactly the same size.  None of us would ever willingly reduce the pain of our grief if it meant losing any of the love behind it. And perhaps the most impactful part of the coin analogy:  learning the survival skill of dosing.  If we can hang on to the notion that our pain is a...

May is Mental Health Awareness Month During the month of May, we honor the many people - past, present, and future -who have been impacted by mental health challenges that can often be stressful and overwhelming. When we are sick, we see our care providers knowing that they will make our bodies feel better.  We should do the same for our minds. When we feel emotional pain, stress, isolation, loss, or social inequities, it is not only harmful to our communities, it hurts our loved ones making it difficult for us to understand the challenges. Improving emotional well-being, social connectedness, and resiliency leads to  building coping skills is critical to our health. In doing some...

As a grieving parent, I’m not sure I can fully understand the grief of losing a sibling.   But I have some observations to share: Children often suppress their grief in an attempt to protect their parents from the sadness of losing a child. As a society, we often try to distract younger kids from grief in the belief that we are protecting them . . . but as Alan Wolfelt says: ‘any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve.’ As parents, we had a life before our children came into it.  We have a basis for comprehending a life without the child we’ve lost, as painful as that is. When a child loses a sibling, it is very likely that they have no frame of reference for life without that...

After losing my son Eric, my greatest challenge was to overcome the question of “what could I have done differently”.  These feelings would plummet me into endless cycles of guilt, regret, and self-blame.  At EricsHouse, we use the analogy of a coin – love on one side, grief on the other.  We would never give up some of our grief if it meant that we would have to forfeit some of our love.   So, I have learned to allow myself to befriend my grief, giving myself permission to learn and grow with it, allowing my experiences of loss to become part of me in a healthy way.  The experience of guilt that many face after losing our loved one offers the same opportunity – to understand our guilt so...

Dealing with grief is challenging but inevitable at some point in your life. Grieving can last for years, weeks, months, or years; everyone's grief is different. The Recovery Village notes that grief can frequently cause sufferers to meet the criteria for major depression. However, you can overcome your grief and regain your happiness by following these tips from EricsHouse. Eat Healthy Foods Eating healthy foods is one of the best ways to overcome your grief. Eating foods with whole grains or foods high in omega-3 fatty acids can help fight depression according to HealthyPlace. In contrast, the classic Western diet — including high dairy products, butter, potatoes, and red meats —...

March 19, 2016.   Eric died three weeks ago.  His funeral was two weeks ago. We have to get out of the house, too many memories, too much pain.  But where can we go?   Ahh, the cabin – our escape and our refuge.  Asylum.  I think I drove.  Someone had to have driven, our car was there . . . so were Marianne, Joey, and I.   I can’t stay inside, so I wander aimlessly through the woods around the cabin.   Thinking about how to not think. It was cold, still snow on the ground.  I go around again . . . and again. Where the hell are my keys?   I must have had keys because the car is here.  You need keys to drive a car.  Retrace my steps . . . three times, thank God for the snow.   Maybe if I...

As the 2022 year comes to an end, donors should consider how they can efficiently maximize their charitable donations for income tax purposes.  EricsHouse is a qualifying 501(c)(3) charity to which donations qualify for a charitable deduction.  However, claiming charitable deductions has become harder as only those donors who plan to itemize their deductions for the 2022 tax year may deduct their charitable contributions.  This is different from the 2021 tax year, in which Congress temporarily allowed donors electing the standard deduction to deduct up to $300 of their charitable donations ($600 for couples).  Moreover, as the standard deduction continues to increase, now currently at...

We were discussing Touchstone 1 (Open to the Presence of Your Loss) in our Men’s Group last week and it opened some questions for me. First, what is a touchstone?  Though I’ve read Dr Wolfelt’s writings on the 10 Touchstones for Healing in Grief, I guess I always treated touchstone as synonymous with milestone – it’s not.  Originally (as in for thousands of years), a touchstone was a smooth grained stone used to assay the purity of precious metals – often gold.  You’d rub the gold on the touchstone and compare the mark to a mark made by a known sample of gold.  More recently, the term touchstone is used as a metaphor for a standard or benchmark . . . a measure of quality or purity. In...